So, this is day one of me actually trying to deal with my anxiety disorder as opposed to running away from it it.
How I'm feeling about this right now:
I'm not going to lie, the thought of learning to cope with this condition is terrifying. Having anxiety attacks has been the scariest event in my life so far. But- I'm not doing it alone. I have a great support network that is both personal and professional (the latter as of today!) This gives me a bit of hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still scared of course; scared of the next attack, scared of the next horrifying thought process, scared that the doctors have missed something, scared that I'll drive people away by having this behaviour. But, I'm going to try to focus on these things:
1. These attacks are not going to harm me. They are a physical reaction to fear. They are nothing.
2. I can control my own thoughts. They do not control me.
3. I have had blood tests, ECG's, and regular check ups. My physical health is fine.
4. This behaviour is not my fault and no one who is worth being around is going to leave me because of this condition.
Yay positive thinking! :)
What I am going to do with the rest of my night:
-Firstly, the samaritans are calling me at nine tonight. My university set this up as a really clever way of ensuring that I know there is someone looking out for me who can help me and calm me down. It's already working and it's only 6pm!
-I'm going back to my house (currently at my boyfriend's, aw, he's so lovely) and having a cup of tea (or water, caffeine stresses me) with a housemate who also has a lot of experience with anxiety attacks. Looking forward to it!
-I'm getting a taxi there because before, on the way to the doctors, I had a panic attack because my pulse was racing due to all the hills. I know I'm confronting this properly from now on, but baby steps! I'll aim to have stopped using taxis to get everywhere by next week (or at least, to have cut them down).
-The boyfriend is making me dinner (well...and the rest of his housemates. Not quite as romantic as it sounded at first, but still aw!)
-I'm going to try to do some law (I have essays due in) but remember that extensions are there for a reason and this should certainly qualify as an extenuating circumstance. No pressure, just law (oxymoron).
- I'm going to practice thinking positively for at least ten minutes regardless of panic attack and work on breathing, happy thoughts, and hopefully some cuddles (hint).
What my goals are for today/tomorrow:
1. Tonight I am not going to walk around the city. If I really need to I will stand outside to assure myself that I am not trapped. But I am going to go to bed, lie down, and go to sleep. Lack of sleep will only exacerbate my symptoms and lessen my ability to control negative thoughts and physical reactions. Plus I am fucking sleepy!
2. I will add helpline numbers into my phone in case of a crisis or a particularly bad panic attack. This should help reassure me that I'm not alone regardless of the time of day.
3. I'm going to cuddle my boyfriend for being awesome.
4. I'm going to do one thing that makes me happy and forget about being anxious or stressed for an hour. If this doesn't happen then it's fine, I understand it'll be a gradual thing and putting pressure on myself will only make it worse
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