Hello there! My name is Rebecca. I am a twenty year old girl from the UK studying law. I have good friends, an amazing boyfriend who I am very much in love with, a supportive family and a really laid back, calm attitude. I play the guitar, I like to cook, and as of two weeks ago, I developed a severe panic attack disorder that I refuse to let ruin my life anymore. Let's begin:
What has been happening and how I have reacted to it and thought about it so far:
-I took myself to hospital because of severe chest pain on the left side; it was nothing like I had felt before and it really, really hurt.
-This has been going on for a week or so by that point (as I had been worried I would not be taken seriously...and I was proved correct).
-I was misdiagnosed on three occassions over a period of two weeks; first I had indigestion, then I had pulled a muscle, then I had panic attacks. As it happened, the reality was a combination of the last two, just not in the order I was told I had began to suffer them.
-Over the course of these two weeks I became increasingly anxious and terrified, because I believed (correctly) that my pain was real (I now know that I had/have costochondritis) and felt that no one was listening to me. By this point, even though I'd had several ECG's and physical examinations that had all come back fine, I could not shake the feeling that something really bad was going to happen to me.
-This led to increasing thoughts about death, hidden cardiac issues, what it would be like to be dead, how out of control I felt and how seemingly I was on a never ending spiral of being panicked and dysfunctional forever. When I wasn't having a panic attack (and I will list my symptoms in a moment) I was thinking about having a panic attack. This was having a huge impact on my studies, on my boyfriend, on my family, and on my own general wellbeing to the point where I barely recognised me anymore. No more sleep, no more normal thoughts, no more regular food. Essentially, no more sanity.
-This all came to a head last night. I was on my usual nightly wander around the city (as walking around helps and as I've mentioned, I cannot sleep anymore) and a familiar ugly thought process raised its head. "Why not kill yourself?" said the panic. "At least you'd then be in control." I texted goodbye to my boyfriend and told him I loved him. I walked to a bridge and I thought about it. It was the most calm I'd felt in two weeks.
It was at that moment that I realised I needed proper help.
What I have done today to help combat my anxiety disorder:
-I have gone to University counselling who have put me in touch with an outside counselling service which deals in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) that should help to re-arrange my negative thought processess.
-I have gone to my GP who has prescribed me anti-depressants that might, in theory, take the edge off the panic.
-I have promised myself that I will stop googling symptoms and serious disorders as soon as I get panicked. This has only led to more anxiety and increased debilitation.
-I have started this blog so that I can begin my efforts to end my current torment in a logical manner (which believe me is quite hard to do when you're panicking!)
What I hope this blog will achieve:
-To calm me!
-To help me see any little progress I make with this condition and feel happy about it.
-To potentially help anyone else who has been recently diagnosed and is not coping.
-To be a stereotypical student and blog about how hard her life is. Ha.
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