So, last night I managed to achieve some of the goals I set out the day before! It might not be huge, but I'm proud of what I did. And my physical symptoms are benefiting as a result :)
1. I did not walk around the city:
It took me a little while to fall asleep (and consistently checking my pulse!) but I eventually dropped off at about two in the morning. I woke up at about six (needing the toilet...too much information, I know, but I want to make it clear that it wasn't panicking) however, I then did have a mini panic attack. I say mini, because this initial huge rush of fear only lasted for about a minute or so. I know the exact cause as well- I was in pain for a, er...urinary tract infection (again, very sorry) and I was about to take the medication when I read the possible side effects. "Heart palpitations and irregularity can be caused by this medicine." Ah. Right. With the pain increasing and my fear increasing to boot (as even though I hadn't taken the medicine I was debating whether I should still) I let out a little yelp and started to breathe heavily. I was shaking and starting to feel dizzy, and the anxious pain around my chest started to increase. But, thanks to an amazing website called the 'No more panic' forum, I managed to calm myself down! More on that in a moment though. I re-fell asleep after about an hour of reassuring myself (and jolting...I'm increasingly being 'jolted' awake when I'm just about to fall asleep). I'm pretty sure this is panic as if I keep my eyes open, I don't get a jolt at all...so it must be the apprehension about falling asleep. But go me! In comparison to the night before when I walked around the city all night having various panic attacks and calling 111, it went a lot better. I feel a lot more rested and as a result I am considerably less anxious today.
2. I added the numbers to my phone in case I need help calming me down:
This gave me a fair bit of comfort knowing that there would be someone on the other end of my phone if I needed them. I also managed to not sleep with my phone in my hand (which I have taken to doing in case I get scared). I left it next to me by the bed and knew that if I needed it, my phone would be there, but that right now I needed sleep.
3 and 4 together; I cuddled my boyfriend AND did something I enjoyed for an hour that let me forget:Last night I managed to genuinely enjoy cuddling my boyfriend and telling him I love him (and not in a 'this could be the last time' sort of way for once!) and we watched Finding Nemo whilst we ate dinner (sausages and mash, my favourite). I was still quite anxious during the entire thing, but I definitely wasn't as bad as the day before. And I managed to actually enjoy other people's company rather than going through the motions! This was in part due to the lessened anxiety, but also because I've started to try to combat the negative thoughts I've been having. If I think something scary- I question it. "What if you're one of the twelve young people per week who die of an unknown heart problem?" My answer (or the one I'm forcing myself to have) is "So what?" If I do have that, which is extremely unlikely, then do I want my last day to be filled with anxiety? No. Do I have it? Almost certainly not. Have any of the heart tests I've had shown up anything to be concerned about? No they haven't. So stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present!
How I am feeling today:
I'm feeling quietly positive. Still anxious, still a bit sad, but I'm actually getting things done. I think venting my thoughts on here is helping me quite a bit. And, also- that website I found, http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/ is just amazing. It's really good, there are loads of people in the same position as me and talking to them has been fantastic when I need a little support. My University college e-mailed today asking if I want them to sort out extensions for me for my coursework and I said yes. I'm going to try to do some law today and generally relax. I'm in work tomorrow (and I work in a bar). It'll be the first time I've gone back to work since I started having anxiety and panic attacks. The thought makes me anxious. I'm scared that I'll have a panic attack there and look insane. I'm afraid I'll get distracted and be bad at my job. But I'm going to do it anyway. Plus my boyfriend is on shift as well...so I'll have support there if I need it.
Wish me luck everyone! My chest is currently feeling a bit tight (I have a cold as well, sods law) so I'm going to go and practice some breathing and feel better. Also, I want to take another opportunity to just say how much I love my boyfriend. He means the world to me and he's helping me through everything so well. He's going out now for half an hour or so...and I'm going to be fine. I kinda want to scream though. I don't know why I'm sad or panicky. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. Why am I feeling this and why won't it stop?!
As you can see, I'm currently flipping moods quite easily. About five minutes ago I was feeling happy. Now I could cry. Maybe crying would be good to let it all out. I still haven't told my family about how much the anxiety is affecting me. I don't want to burden them.
I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AGAIN.
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